| | You are summoned to lunch with the cabinet secretary. Instead of offering you a six-figure pay rise for your contribution to national security, he suggests you should pursue your ambition of becoming a television chef. How do you respond? |
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| | | You choke on your roast beef, see the oak-panelled dining room crumble around you and pass out in a pool of claret. |
| | | You pretend not to understand his apparent interest in daytime television, greet him warmly and use that funny three-fingered handshake the two of you have been practising since Freshers' Week. |
| | | You remind your Right Honourable friend of the video footage that somehow came into your possession of him slicing fruit with three naked rent-boys, and suggest that he may be the preferred candidate for a career move. |
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| | The secure Foreign Office telephone line sounds. The permanent secretary tells you that the minister is concerned by reports that a consignment of Ukrainian uranium is on its way to Wembley market. What do you do? |
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| | | Make the traders' day and buy up all of the organic root vegetables on offer. |
| | | Dust off your Russian phrasebook and head straight for the secret listening post in North Yorkshire to coordinate the interception mission. |
| | | Telephone our man in Kiev and instruct him to impress upon his business associates the benefits of cricket, trade and redirecting radioactive material to France. |
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| | You receive a tip-off that you are to appear on the front page of a disreputable tabloid, accused by "friends" of abandoning British interests and of harbouring republican sympathies. How do you react? |
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| | | Confess to the payoff from Hong Kong investors hoping to turn Buckingham Palace into a five-star hotel and leave for your Spanish seaside home. |
| | | You take the editor out for lunch and remind him that his sons may never win that place at the school you both attended unless the newspaper dedicates pages one to seven to the patriotic fervour of the secret service. |
| | | You happen to mention to one of your IT specialists that it might be time to try out the crippling virus on the offending publication's computer system. |
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| | The secret dossier outlining ministerial involvement in the biggest crack-cocaine ring yet seen in Britain disappears from your office just before election day. What is your next move? |
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| | | Jump in a cab, collect your spouse, children and a few clothes from your west London home and flee for the Outer Hebrides. |
| | | Order your assistant to activate the file's auto-incineration function. |
| | | Telephone the broadsheet newspaper editor with whom you shared digs at Cambridge to assure him that all of the material in the file is authentic. |
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| | You notice that the men wearing dark suits and sunglasses who have been repairing the pavement in front of your home and office are speaking in North Korean accents into mobile phones whenever you leave. What do you tell your bodyguards to do? |
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| | | Mount a counter espionage operation posing as tree surgeons working for the local council's environment agency. |
| | | Offer the smart-looking repair team a nice cup of tea. |
| | | See how they respond to a poison brolly in the derriere. |
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| | Sensitive to criticism from your children that you have not bought any new clothes since Michael Jackson was last at number one in the charts, what do you do? |
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| | | Hope that in buying that new grey jersey from Marks & Spencer you will be able to display your unerring faith in the greatest name on the British high street while not standing out of the crowd. |
| | | Return to your Savile Row tailor and commission a fresh set of tweeds. |
| | | Sate your thirst for gold trainers and jewels for your body piercings. |
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| | You are granted your first day's leave in 2,416,000 hours of active service. How do celebrate? |
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| | | Dine with old friends at a select gentlemen's club before a round of golf with visiting agents from Washington. |
| | | Admit to your teenage son that you have always wanted to experiment with drugs and accompany him to an impromptu festival in the Wiltshire countryside. |
| | | Kick off your brogues and settle in to the sofa for a private screening of The Third Man with your family. |
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| | You are approached by a publisher who offers you a hefty advance for the rights to your memoirs. What do you say? |
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| | | I couldn't possibly reveal what happens inside the dark corridors of power. |
| | | I'm terribly sorry, but I never knew what was really going on and I can't see why any one would be interested in anything I might have to say. |
| | | Pay the money direct into this Swiss bank account and return next Thursday with a pouch of uncut diamonds. |
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